The anxiety started not long after I sent Sunday morning's instagram post live. The post was one I was particularly proud of. I liked how the words went with the picture. And I liked how I had taken something as mundane as the topic of mud and made something creative out of it.
And even though the likes came rolling in, even when I received some lovely comments about how the caption went with the picture, the anxiety continued to grow.
It was getting livelier and livelier. A pit of snakes. A troop of lively monkeys who had just drunk an energy drink.
I felt restless. Despite it being a Sunday afternoon, traditionally the time I cosied up on the settee with a film (or, in yesterday's case the England rugby match). I brought my notebooks into the lounge and started to write and create. Not out of a sense of calm but because I felt I had to do something. A sense of duty towards my work.
According to my husband I became a bit snarly (I couldn't possibly comment). And I went to bed with thoughts weighing on my mind.
Until, just as I was about to go to sleep, I had a bit of a revelation.
I know I'm not the only one who is affected by the ups and downs of Instagram. Jules has talked about how the number of likes her picture gets can affect her mood. But in this particular instance it wasn't the number of likes as such, it was comparing these likes with what other people were getting.
So my anxiety was centred around my (slow to medium) Instagram growth and what I should be doing to 'up my game' to achieve faster growth.
There are lots of lovely advice posts out there on what I could be doing. But I was struggling to adapt the advice to my own feed. (Let me stress at this point that it's not them - it's me!)
And that's when it occurred to me just as I was falling asleep. I don't have to do what other people are doing to grow their instagram (I mean, duh! of course I don't!). I have my own vision, my own goals. Why am I being distracted by other people's incredible numbers?
And why am I thinking I'm failing because other people are growing faster?
I mean - how mad is that? I'm failing because other people are getting bigger numbers? Seriously, I need to get a grip.
As I've said before - but obviously need constant reminding - I am carving my own path as an online storyteller.
The story is often what comes to me first before I create an Instagram picture.
A sentence like my post going live today (pictured below). I was stomping around my field and the words 'signs of life amongst nature's decay' came to me. So I created a post showing decay and life in that post.
I'm inspired and influenced by the seasons and how my creativity (or lack of) is going. And I like to tell that story in both the caption and the picture. So I just post what feels right for me not my feed.
I'm not saying my way is the right way or the only way. I'm just saying we're all different.
And if you're finding the online advice doesn't suit you then, even though it's a bit harder, you have to find your own way. Experiment. Push yourself. But try and remember why you're on instagram in the first place.
And don't compare yourself, however much your mind wants to, with others.
Do you ever feel like this? Does your creative online journey feel different to others?