Over the summer holidays, during a much needed break, I made a decision.
But before I tell you my decision let's go back to January 2017.
At the beginning of this year I had a set of goals. This was to create a portfolio business consisting of my blog, Instagram, my newsletter, writing magazine articles, exploring the possibilities with my chicken drawings and writing my non-fiction and novel.
In my notebook I wrote:
In three months I will have a healthy business, writing and drawing, and will be making an income from it.
I noted the individual goals. I aimed to get to 10,000 followers on Instagram, to pitch to a magazine*, to write 50,000 words of non-fiction, to look into sponsorship collaborations, make time to doodle and to write about the seasons and nature.
Each one of these goals was then broken up. How was I going to reach 10,000 followers on Instagram? (In my head this was the figure I thought would make publishers sit up and take notice.) What magazines was I going to pitch to? This 50,000 words of non-fiction - could I amalgamate blog posts, journal entries, Instagram captions to reach that number?
I went into quite a bit of detail and included a breakdown on how I was going to develop my blog in addition to breaking down design ideas for my chicken pictures along with more practical items like figuring out Etsy, or how to get my drawings onto postcards without doing each one individually.
It was a new year. A time for new beginnings. I was focused, positive, inspired and raring to go.
Shortly after, I reached 10,000 followers on Instagram. So I wrote about it.
And then? I got sidetracked. From writing that blog post I decided to create a coaching business. I wrote a short ebook about gaining an audience online. I developed a new blog for my coaching business. Then decided to focus on a niche. Just online marketing.
And then, somewhere, I lost my way...
So a break over the summer was much needed to regroup and gain clarity. What was it I really wanted to do?
I wanted to write. I wanted to tell my stories. I wanted to develop my story-telling through video. I wanted to grow this blog, to build it into a business I was proud of and which made me look forward to every single day.
Writing. Creating. The things I love the most.
Phew, I thought. Decision made. And I grinned.
Then the grin turned to a frown. So why then did I feel so damn guilty?
It crept up on me. My teeth started to clench; giving me jaw ache. I had headaches and my stomach felt 'swirly'.
Mentally I went back through my day: my decisions, my actions, my thoughts and words spoken. What was it that was making me feel this way?
Then a whisper of a reason drifted into my head.
Writing makes me feel guilty.
Woah!
Because writing, which I enjoy so much, obviously cannot be proper work.
So, in my head, this meant that I had to create a coaching business to feel like I was properly working.
Lightbulb moment. Ping!
This is why I get side-tracked by other projects. This is why I haven't finished my novel (though there's that fear of success/failure also going on there). This is why I don't see writing projects through.
Oh my! (I actually wrote 'oh my' in my journal when I was having these thoughts so I thought I'd also include it here!)
I have clarity.
And with clarity comes the opportunity to force myself to view writing and creating content for this blog as work. Proper work.
I also have, thanks to the January-me, a vision, goals and a breakdown of those goals.
With my adjusted frame of mind, this time, I won't be sidetracked.
And when I say 'adjusted frame of mind' I mean I'm just going to ignore it and write. I've told myself to try it out for a few weeks. To see how it goes and to see if anything happens as a result of this increased output. If it does, if I have something to show for it, it'll convince my brain not to feel guilty.
Well, at least, that's the plan...watch this space.
Do you feel guilty for writing? Or for blogging? Or for sitting down and drawing or painting? I'd love to know. Maybe we can help each other!
*Speaking of magazines do check out Creative Countryside's new magazine coming this autumn. They are looking for backers (7 days to go as of 31st August) and you can grab yourself some lovely treats. And yes, I do happen to have an article in it. :)
