I wrote a long caption on one of my Instagram posts last week. I had no idea I was going to write it, I thought I was going to write something else entirely. But it was obviously something I was thinking about; it was hovering there on the edges of my consciousness and spilled out when I was least expecting it.
It centres around the fact I still cannot get over that I am now happy with my face being in my YouTube videos. This has been ten years of slow progress with me getting braver and braver…but it is only in the last couple of years I’ve shrugged off most of the negative voices and just gone ahead and put myself out there.
I write blog posts and share them with my audience on Instagram. I write essays and post them on Patreon where people pay to read my words (only $1 but still) about creative confidence. And I film myself talking to camera and I upload it to YouTube.
This has not happened overnight. In fact for the first eight years of writing a blog online you’d be hard pressed to find a photograph of me. But I’ve become braver. Painfully slowly whilst people all around me seem to be uber confident and flying high.
I’ve spoken on podcasts, I’ve put a full face photo of myself on my blog, I’ve created a vlog on IGTV and then moved over to YouTube - and yes, sometimes my hair looks a mess and I have bags under my eyes - but quite frankly who cares?
I’ve faced down worries that someone from my real life might find out what I do, tried to think how I’d explain my job, what to say if they ask what I earn (I mean, really?!) or what I would say if they ask: what sort of writing do you do - have you had anything published?
But one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, the BIGGEST hurdle I had to overcome, was sharing my writing.
If you’ve come across me recently and started following me via YouTube or Instagram you might not think that I used to be terrified of telling people that I’d written a blog post.
Well, I was.
Utterly, utterly terrified.
I would tap away at my keyboard writing words then hover over the publish button with my mouse for ages, my heart thudding in my ears.
I wasn’t writing anything controversial or any deep secrets. But writing a blog then was, and still is, my way of opening up. Even if I was just writing about the trees I planted I was sharing something about myself, my very private self I might add, with a load of strangers on the Internet.
And the way the Internet has evolved people think they have a right to comment. You see strangers judging celebrities or other writers or online creatives with larger followings. They twist their words. Take umbridge at something that wasn’t supposed to cause offence. Say horrible things. Write horrible things.
You see it. I see it.
And you think people are going to say stuff to you, too.
This fear of being judged by your writing, this fear that someone from your real life might discover you or make a comment to you about it at school pick-up time, or perhaps a relative might mock you…these fears are not just in your head.
They’re in everyone’s.
I know some people who are too nervous to link their blog to their Instagram account. I know some people who are too scared to write captions on their Instagram photos because they are too scared to show people how they write. I know some people who don’t call themselves writers out loud despite the fact they write thousands of words a month on their blogs. I know some people who will not tell a soul when they’ve written a blog post. Or, if they do, they share it once then never mention it again.
And I know some people who daren’t write a blog even though they’re longing to. (Same for starting a YouTube channel by the way.)
And I want to help you. All of you!
Because I’ve been there, done that, and I’ve come through the other side. And it is liberating. It is empowering.
Don’t get me wrong. I still procrastinate. I still get scared. I still make up scenarios in my head where people judge me or troll me about my work.
But I am creating and writing anyway.
Because, quite frankly, I am so fed up of being worried. Of being nervous.
I am fed up of being afraid.
My Ebook, Journaling Your Goals: an eBook for Writers & Creatives talks about how I gained confidence from my journaling and planning. Find out more here.
I referred to my Patreon essays above. These essays are all about aspects of my creative confidence and how I gradually emerged from being a scaredy cat to what I’m doing now. The essays are for Patrons and you can become one from $1 per month (and I aim to write one essay of between 3000-4000 words per month). You can read an excerpt of my first essay: How Chickens Gave me Creative Confidence in this blog post.
I offer mentoring for unconfident creatives.
